how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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