So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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