Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
