I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The adults are the big ones right?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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