you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
