Michael Bay diarrhea
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
