you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
