thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
