Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
bring money and cleavage
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
