Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can I color on your dick again?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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