dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
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Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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