The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm passing your future prison.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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