Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
