Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
