so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why did my mother make you get naked?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
