Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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