i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
