I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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