i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
