HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
