Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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