I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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