i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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