i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
