I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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