need another drink. this is the easiest way
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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