My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
