On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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