I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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