Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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