I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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