So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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