So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
