ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Too much gin, very little bucket
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
