Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
