oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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