Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Randomize
