I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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