my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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