We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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