Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
