Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
sarcasm needs its own font
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize