If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
