Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Is her dick bigger than yours?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
