Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
