Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I will pee on everything he values.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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