My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
love makes seman taste better
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
