took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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