I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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