you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
