I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
