also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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