all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Randomize
