First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
