i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
