Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
