I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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